What it's like to feel fear before love with an unexpected pregnancy
Updated: Jan 25, 2019
When your FEAR comes before LOVE
This is my story of my first born child and how I felt so much fear before I realized the love that I had for him.
I never realized how much I needed my little Kaeden in my life until he made his debut into my life and forever changed me. I was 19 years old and I thought I had my whole life planned for myself and was not planning to have any children, let alone at the young age on nineteen. I was enlisted to leave for the Air Force after 3 years of ROTC and was saying my last goodbyes when one day at work I got super sick and had this feeling like something didn't seem right.
I went to the doctor and she said that I could be pregnant. I couldn't believe what I heard because there was no way. She had me take the test and those next 5 minutes seemed like 5 hours. The doctor came in and told me that I was pregnant. I remember how the fear was so overwhelming and I could feel the walls closing in on me.
I had this fear that I wasn't going to be a good mother, was I going to be able to give him everything he deserved, and what was my future going to look like. I did NOT want to accept that I just had an unexpected pregnancy.
As I said, I was ready to leave to be an Air Force Girl!!! I had not prepared myself to be a mom. It took me months to get excited about having my baby. I found myself going from being extremely scared, to sad, to being indifferent up until the last few months of my pregnancy. It wasn't until I came up with his name, that I got really excited about having my little boy.
At week 38 my body started to labor and reality hit that I was having this baby 2 weeks early. I was not prepared to be a mom yet. I prolonged going to the hospital, even after contracting every 5 minutes because I thought that I could push it out and pretend it wasn't happening... but 6 hours later this perfect little boy came out.
Looking back, I see that scared young woman not being able to bond with her baby because she was scared. She was afraid that she wasn't going to be able to be the mother that his baby deserved to have. I was scared I wasn't going to be able to love this little boy because up until this point, she wasn't planning to have children. Honestly, I didn't understand that all this fear was LOVE. Love so strong for this baby that I had fear that I was not going to be ideal mother. It was the fear of "Am I good enough for you?" It was the fear of "Will I be everything you deserve?" I had laid my life ahead of me without children and I thought I was okay with that, but once he entered into my life, that all changed.
I walked away from the life of certainty and knowing where I was going to-to the life of not knowing my next steps and possibly financial stress and sleepless nights, breastfeeding at all hours of the day, and being responsible for another human's future. I walked toward multiple days without showers, and throwing my hair in a ponytail and day old mascara because I fell asleep with it on and I didn't dare move because I had the baby sleeping next to me. I walked toward blow outs and poop stained pants. I also walked toward unconditional love, a tiny human that clung to me and wraps his arms around me without letting go. With fear and love combined, I walked toward HIM!!!
I knew that every day that I carried him, I was going to get one day closer to meeting him and embracing all that parenthood had to throw at me. One step closer to meeting the little person that I never knew I needed in my life.
From the moment I met him, I immediately had a passion in me to be a better person and show him what love is. He has shown me how to be strong, courageous, loving, kind, and quirky. He ignited a fire in me that I never knew was there, and he has given me a drive to be a BOMB Mom. Every day I wake up to be the best role model I can be for him and his younger brother. Now, fourteen years later, when I look back at those days when I carrying him and so scared, I can only think... Oh, Kathleen you had no idea what he was going to teach you.
If you have carried an unplanned child, you’ll likely relate to so much of what I have told. If you feel like you are living this story right now of an expected pregnancy, I can only say that joy beyond your understanding is coming. Please trust me when I say that. Believe that it is.
Some of us need only to hold that baby in our arms for the first time to truly believe in that overwhelming love they feel.